Friday, October 16, 2009

Losing yourself in coupledom


Have you ever noticed that when some people get into relationships they tend to lose themselves?  It's like they get sucked into a void - the relationship void and they lose sight of who they are.  I have seen it happen many times and have to admit that in my early twenties I was guilty of doing it myself.  However, I vowed after that relationship it wasn't going to happen again and it hasn't maybe due to the fact that I have spent a significant amount of that time in Singletown. Or maybe because as I age my standards for relationships and partners increase.


I know it may seem unfair to judge others but I wonder why people put the other person in their relationship and their needs above their very own.  I have seen friends stop doing the things they love doing such as sports, attending concerts etc. because it didn't suit their partner. Well too damn bad is what I say you should do them anyways.  I mean there has to be some kind of compromise(s) in relationships but sometimes its seems that one person compromises all the way and the other person not at all.


I have to admit that I often find it hard to not voice my opinion about it.  If you know me you how incredibly hard that is for me.  I am not very good at censoring myself. 

Now that I am older and supposedly wiser I have set standards and expectations for myself one of which is not to lose myself in a relationship ever again.  I thought this would be an easy task for most people.  I mean as we age we become so entrenched in who we are that it is a) hard to change and b) why would you want to, you are you.  However, that is not the case. I  know plenty of people my age (thirty-something) and older who are still losing themselves in relationships and both men and women do it so I know its not gender specific.  



When you embark in a committed relationship is it a something wonderful....or at least I am told often by couples.  I agree it can be amazing but not so much if you let it cost the most important thing, yourself.  When did being a couple mean that you had to completely give up yourself.  Many people seem to do it.  I guess I was lucky to grow up with parents who did many things together but also respect and love each other to realize that they need their own time, friends and interests.  However, despite that I fell into the void anyways.  But I am older and wiser and I think it is important in relationships to be able to hold your own.  To not cater all the time to the other person and to make sure you are happy in your relationship with you.  Do people really want to be with someone who is happy for you leave yourself, the real you, at the gates of Singletown while you go running into Coupledom as someone else? Is being in a relationship that important? Personally I don't think so.  I am happy to have many friends who accept me and let me be who I am and if I can't find someone to share my life with that feels the same way - so be it. I will happily be found Singletown.   


So to all those of you in Singletown I say this is a really good point, one of many, to use as leverage against all those couples who wonder why we are still single and why it really isn't all that bad. 

Food For Thought
"First, all relationships are with yourself-and sometimes they involve other people. Second, the most important relationships in you life - the one you have, like it or not, until the day you die - is with yourself. ~ Peter McWilliams



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